dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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