I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize