your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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