perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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