Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
