Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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