Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
