One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
