so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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