She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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