I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Do vagina's smell?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
