I think my vagina is haunted
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
