OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize