I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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