I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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