i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
