I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
