Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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