So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
