hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
false alarm. still invincible.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
