i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
