I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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