Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
