I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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