I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
