apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
