The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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