On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize