So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
