filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
