i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
