so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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