The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We are two peas in an std pod
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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