Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
