do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm getting married
To pizza
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
