I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize