Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Randomize
