she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
