I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
The adults are the big ones right?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
