Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
