I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
