I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
