i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
