I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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