I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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