It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize