So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize