I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
you traded sex for a burrito?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
