Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
