apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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