How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
