did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
