sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize