I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
