As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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