I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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