New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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