All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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