so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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