Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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