it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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