I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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