I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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