Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
